Sunday, June 10, 2012

Silence

I love waking up and hearing nothing but the fans blowing. Sometimes it can be a little scary- What are the kids up to? What time is it? How long did I sleep in? Am I going to be able to get everything done that I need to? But at the same time knowing that I was able to rest in comfort (for a change) is nice- and weird. I guess that's the biggest part of weekends that I really enjoy. But at the same time it does mean there are things that don't get done. It's a give and take. In the silence however, I can think. That can be dangerous, very dangerous. I often wonder how many years do I have left. I am not referring to left living, I mean left living at my current state. I am a realist and I know that I am very lucky. Every time I go to the Dr. I know there will be a day that I won't be so stable, my hands not so steady, and walking won't be so easy. My biggest fear is where this all started... my eyes. I don't want to loose my vision. Or be looking through a cloud. I think sometimes, well I know I take it for granted. So I know that the day I wake up (again) and can't see- I fear the most. Not being able to walk, I sort of have given into the idea that day will come, but seeing... I don't want to face that- again. The silence, while wonderful and a chance to catch up on sleep, often really needed, it also gives me too much time to think about all the "what ifs"... its in that silence that find I am grateful I have the people in my life that hold me and walk with me... behind the scenes!