Silence

I love waking up and hearing nothing but the fans blowing. Sometimes it can be a little scary- What are the kids up to? What time is it? How long did I sleep in? Am I going to be able to get everything done that I need to? But at the same time knowing that I was able to rest in comfort (for a change) is nice- and weird. I guess that's the biggest part of weekends that I really enjoy. But at the same time it does mean there are things that don't get done. It's a give and take. In the silence however, I can think. That can be dangerous, very dangerous. I often wonder how many years do I have left. I am not referring to left living, I mean left living at my current state. I am a realist and I know that I am very lucky. Every time I go to the Dr. I know there will be a day that I won't be so stable, my hands not so steady, and walking won't be so easy. My biggest fear is where this all started... my eyes. I don't want to loose my vision. Or be looking through a cloud. I think sometimes, well I know I take it for granted. So I know that the day I wake up (again) and can't see- I fear the most. Not being able to walk, I sort of have given into the idea that day will come, but seeing... I don't want to face that- again. The silence, while wonderful and a chance to catch up on sleep, often really needed, it also gives me too much time to think about all the "what ifs"... its in that silence that find I am grateful I have the people in my life that hold me and walk with me... behind the scenes!

Right leg ache

My right leg for the last hour has just been killing me. No I wasn't running. Yes, I have been wearing the cutest shoes. I have worn them I million times. This is my calf. And PAIN that makes me want to run, but then rub my leg. PAIN! The pain in commericals. PAIN. That pain you hear about with fire, pins, needles, kicking like a kid. PAIN... Screaming right now would not be such a great idea. Not sure my go workers would think so highly about it. I would feel better. No, no I wouldn't... DANG! I do know that I have a prescription that speaks to this... at home.  Me... not there! Then I hear it... a HUGE rush of water, like a river rush up against the windows. Seriously? Am I that sensitive? Can't be! Won't have it! Dang! I do know that I want a heat pack, and a blanket... dang not cool... Just in pain!

The weekend and weather

Pacing myself as this weekend is jammed packed full. I have school work like a Queen! And I'd like to find time to cuddle up with a book and read. HA! I think that is the funniest thing I have ever blogged. I said FIND TIME! Ha! How is it that my mind tells me I have all day to do something and the next thing I know it's time for bed? Just crazy! All I know is that its Thursday, and I am totally okay with that. I was looking through my blog "stuff" and realized I hadn't posted. Well that isn't good! I guess some of it has to do with being busy (which is good), and part of it has to do with the whole MS craziness.
Part of me is struggling with the different phases of MS and right now I don't want to deal with it. Summer is harsh this year. Its June and already the heat is killer. While just about every where has A/C, I hate the idea of not doing something because well, I could get too hot and not realize it. Seriously? How flippin lame is that? Nothing like getting sick cause your stupid! Okay you aren't really stupid but your body sure is! While everyone else's body is sweating and saying HEY need help here, mine yea not so much, well not until it's a little late. Great! I think I want to lose more weight just because when some hot paramedic is tending to me, I don't want "overweight" written on my chart... hey, you have to have a sense of humor!

Okay, need a beach breeze!

Exercising- WHO ME?

 I always promise (myself) each year this will be the year. My son is turning 16! Crude that means I have been officially overweight for 16 years. My daughter was born 10 years ago. I was diagnosed with MS seven years ago. Yes, I know my numbers! Why? Well for one, it's important for me to keep track WHILE I can. That is part of why I started blogging to be honest. So I could look back and say "oh that's what happened" when I may not remember, and I also wanted to share my journey through the world of MS (Multiple Sclerosis) for many people who think I am simply refusing to let the world know if I am married... (MS is not about that.. nope... sorry). So all that said- I gained way beyond the amount of weight with Erik (bed rest did not help). Depression and lack of support from his father did not help afterwards, so I was not able to just bounce right back. Dang! Then time... I moved, got married... and miss Elizabeth came along. While I had TONS of support this time around I was LUCKY and did not gain as much weight, I still didn't need to gain alot to already be overweight... Start big, end big! Her "weight" didn't just melt off either. :(  A little less than 3 years later and I woke up in the cloud- you can read all about that in previous posts. So talk about depression! WOW! What about my career... I need my eyes to work on patients... so a career change later and yep you guessed it, I'm still overweight. Now I have a new struggle. The girl that played everything, ran, loved to swim, did everything that involved dirt, overheats beyond easily without even knowing it.  GREAT! So much for a "plan". Love walks, but how do I just take off- get stranded somewhere and end up calling 911- GREAT! Bike rides? Only if I stay close to home, where is the fun in that? Go to the gym!!! YES! Machines, elliptical, treadmills, it will be good, right? Why do people get the idea that if you aren't sweating you aren't working out? People let's not try to kill me!!! YOGA! Tai Chi-Okay! -But everyone wants you to pay a bazillion dollars on top of a "club membership" what gives?  I just want to LOOSE my belly, hips, butt, thighs, and giggly arms.... without loosing my mind! Didn't think that was too much to ask!!! I guess I should be grateful I can complain at this point, I know so many of my MS buddies are facing issues like... I wish I could feel my legs, I wish I knew how to stand up... so yes, I am very lucky! But I am HOPING that by loosing my weight and staying healthy- THOSE questions will be decades away!!!