Monday, May 12, 2014

Life changes things aren't like they were before

Sometimes it's hard to remember what life was like "before". Before I had to worry about what I drank, or how much I drank. What I ate, or if I are enough of the "right foods". Harder still is remembering not having to wonder what my day looked like when getting dressed. What would I be facing, doing, running (not physically) across, what demands. When heat and cold meant jacket, no jacket... But then again, I've always been oddly affected by temperature. Middle of summer I would wear sweatshirts and shorts, and yet argue to wear the same outfit in the middle of winter. Growing up in Northeast Ohio, it wouldn't make sense. Yet, there I was comfortable with exposed legs and a bundled "top". Who knew!

I wish I had run more when I could. Today, I am lucky when I can "run" a few minutes before having to walk fast. Some would tell me I am lucky I'm walking and I'll look back at this blog as say I remember... But I remember rock climbing with ease, rappelling like I was some kind of expert (I never was- but my Mom always encouraged my wild behavior). Horseback riding (I know anyone can do that), playing volleyball and softball- that I miss a lot. 

Many say -well with age... To which I say- BS! There are plenty of people older than me doing much more. 

Maybe I have become complacent, maybe part of me felt the inevitable will come so I shouldn't have so much too loose and then will be brokenhearted that it's gone. That's stupid. But in a way, it does allow me to just get by. Get by with "function". And sometimes I feel that's what I've accomplished, function. 
I hear it again and again MS patients are different. We present different and our treatments vary all over the place. I get it, and I know. I don't ever try to compare myself. At the same time it's hard not to compare myself against myself- the "before" me.

I live in fear of being alone, I didn't use to. I live in fear of not being understood, I never had that problem. I live in fear of no longer being the one that makes the ones around me proud, but rather ashamed and embarrassed to be around me.

It's quite a lot of times, before, it never was. My kids are growing up, moving on, as they should. I just fear it will be too quite and I'll be left to remember the me I was "before".